22. Boris Konrad and Nelson Dellis are sitting near the edge of a cliff above the city of Darnassus, which is a valley on a small lonely island called Teldrassil. A warm friendly fire is cracking between them and heating up their thoughts, while the cool view to the city in turn cools them down.
Konrad: “You know what, we should memorize some cards! I have 20 decks right here in this bucket ready to go.”
“Okay, but after that we will continue our climb of memory,” replied Dellis, pointing to the peak behind them.
They take the decks out, giving each one a good shuffle.
Konrad: “Please, you be the first one.”
Dellis: “Are you hinting that because of the als Eimer Herausforderung it is me who must always do the memorizing? F**k you!”
Konrad: “As you wish, then.” He takes the bucket and one by one he starts throwing the cards down the cliff. The wind carries each card to a different part of the valley.
Level 1 night elf priest Arrgh is walking to the valley, and notices that it is raining cards.
“What on earth is that?”
Arrgh walks closer and tries to catch one card, but fails to do so, and the card hits a pillar next to him. Instantly it turns into a frightening monster with a text: Level 2 Bat.
The bat starts attacking him, but through a lot of effort Arrgh manages to kill him. Same happens with the rest of cards: each one turns into different monster when it hits the ground.
“What the hell is happening here?!” screams Arrgh. He tries to find a safe path between the monsters, but its really hard, because the cards are landing everywhere. A wolf and boar also attack him, and this time Arrgh almost dies when fighting them off. Still, with the last effort he crabs the boar by its fang, rips it off, and stabs it constantly into its belly, until the boar dies with a loud squeal.
Arrgh falls on the ground and sees a bright light gathering all around him.
He hears a voice somewhere: “Whatever you do, bitch, don’t go towards the light!” The light is emanating everywhere, but suddenly it stops, with a new Level 2 sign floating above Arrgh’s head.
GrandMaasster Bateman stretches out his hand to Arrgh and pulls him up. Arrgh notices that he is level XXX.
“Newbie, huh? Don’t worry, with a little tutoring of mine we can make you a badass player. Come!”
They walk around the valley, finding a safe route around the flying cards, and make it to the Temple of the Moon."
The Temple of The Moon
“Drink this water, and your strength will return.”
Arrgh does that, and feels the energy coming back.
“Now, shall we kick some asses?”
“Oh yeah, master!”
A card flies on the pool and turns into a giraffe.
“Watch how it is done!”
Grandmaster Bateman turns the giraffe into a sheep, then cuts off its testicles and feeds them to the sheep. He holds the sheep’s mouth closed, and it suffocates to its own vomit.
“See? Easy, isn’t it?”
“Sorry, but I’m not that good!”
Grandmaster slaps Arrgh’s face. “Stop wining right now and just start practising, you dumbass rookie!”
Arrgh runs crying out of the temple and kills some bats. XP goes up and up and soon Arrgh is at level 10.
“Why should I go back to that crazy master!? I bet there are some others around here as well.”
He looks around and notices that level ?? paladin Domino’ Brain is standing on a small stonehengy circle of domino pieces below the cliff where the cards are coming from.
“Hello, mister! Do you have any idea what is causing the chaos around here?” asks Arrgh.
“Well, buy my scrolls and you’ll know everything about it!”
Arrgh trades some of his XP for the scrolls, and reads that the chaos is caused due to monsters occupying too many places at once in the valley. One should place at least two or three of them together, and make them fight with each other - this way they won’t take too much space, and also be too distracted with their own fight to pay too much attention to people walking by.
“Are you sure it will work?” asks Arrgh.
“Of course. This is how I have always done it. It will work.”
“Ok, thanks master!”
Nearby there are three cards flying around a brinde: one of them falls onto the bridge and turns into an owl, the other falls into water and turns into a unicorn. The third one Arrgh catches and reads “impale”.
Arrgh walks closer the bridge and thinks: “What have I learned? Oh yeah - 1. killy 2. silly 3. filly”.
He walks onto the bridge, with the card in his hand ready to strike. Owl attacks with a loud squeak, but Arrgh jumps onto it and makes it fly backwards, and with the speed of light they ram straight into the unicorn’s horn, so it sticks deep into owl’s as***le.
“Arrgh the impaler,” he thinks happily. And his level rises to 25.
“Awesome, isn’t it?” walks Mr. Domino by and helps Arrgh out of the river. “But I’m afraid the cards are starting to overwhelm this place, no matter how many we manage to compress.”
They start running back to the Temple of the Moon, but suddenly a level 90 gnome warrior Bean Pride jumps out of the woods and kicks Brains out of Mr. Domino.
“It’s really no brainer - I know exactly what we must do! We make a 2 card system!” He looks exactly like some cartoon character.
“What’s that, Mr. Bean?”
“Really simple! We take two cards and latch them together, so they become a single card. Then we have one less monster to kill!”
Bean and Arrgh climb up a giant bean tree and each one of them catches a card. No matter what they try, no glue is sticky enough to make them stay together - they just don’t want to stick. Then they finally read out the cards in their hands:
Bean reads faster and faster: “Four C A Heart.” He does it over and over, not getting any ideas: “Fourc A heart. Fork a heart.”
“I’m sick of this!” yells Arrgh. “4C” card in his hand turns into a fork, he then furiously pierces the other card that Bean is holding against his chest, and pulls out a heart.
Bean looks the fork in his heart and utters his last words: “Yees! That’s it!”
His dead body then falls down from the bean tree, still his big cartoonlike smile on his face.
“Was it all worth it?” thinks Arrgh. He notices that all the cards raining are now indeed glued together. And his level turns into 70. “Guess it was.”
He then climbs to the top of the bean tree, where he discovers a giant goose. Arrgh domesticates the goose instantly and uses it as his personal mount.
“Where shall we go now?” asks the goose from him. “We can leave this island and never come back.”
“No, there is still 30 levels to go,” answers Arrgh. “So much yet to learn!”
They fly over the valley and the goose lands on the high statue in the middle of the temple.
“Oh there you are!” sighs Grandmaster Bateman with relieved voice. “The situation is going worse and worse - I see no end to the cards. Does anyone have any idea what to do?” asks he from the council gathered around him.
Some small-level rookie night elves discuss excitedly. One of them steps forward: “We could make a big story out of it. So long that it will take at least 5 expansions to write it all down.”
Bateman walks by and slaps him. “Fool, all it will do is make the rest of the world know how hilariously we failed. 10 million people will be laughing!”
Level 40 death knight Sir Harry Loras offers: “We could beg them to go away.”
Bateman slowly walks by him, and says: “Ok, show me exactly how you would do it.”
Sir Harry takes a magic stick out of his pants that looks like number 1, and offers it to Bateman:
O mighty monster grotesque,
leave us in peace with no protest.
Collect this magic item to your pouch as a gift,
and in return out here you give yourself a lift.
Highlord Bateman looks him strangely, then suddenly grabs the stick and stabs it to his eye.
“That’s what they’ll do to you when you start begging them.” he says. “Any other ideas?”
Some other ideas came up: "What if we somehow magically make copies of this place, until the whole world is filled with valleys of Darnassi? Some of them we make snow, others sunny and sandy. Then they’ll be tempted to leave this place to inhabit the places that each individual finds the most suitable for himself.
But a level ??? shaman Gave No shit: “Pah! That would be a task worthy for Blizzard - it would be extremely hard to make a whole new World filled with the same mundane place, each time trying to add something different. We’ll just forget too many of them.”
And he stepped in the center of the council: “Listen to me. I have a better idea.”
The council sharpened their long elf ears.
“What if we fill this valley with little places. Each pillar, river, tree and whatever thing here will hold a portal to another location. Then there will be no monsters here, they will be all teleported to the mini-places elsewhere!”
“Hey, that might even work,” agreed Arrgh.
“Okay, let’s give it a try. It seems to be the only chance we have,” agreed also Grandmaster Bateman.
He took out a map drew a plan. He loaned some places from computer games and movies he knew, and asked others to brainstorm too.
Gonna build sth
They started building, and the mini-places were placed with a quicker rate than the cards flew down. Old monsters were driven through the portals to the mini-places, and new cards just naturally flew there themselves.
Soon the whole place was not only filled with places from video games like Assassin’s Creed, Counter-Strike and Super Mario, but also with places from movies like Red Dragon, American Psycho or TV series like Sherlock and Mentalist. And of course also with portals to real places like Stormwind, Goldshire and Orgrimmar.
Meanwhile, Arrgh had finally leveled up to 100.
“So, that’s it I guess?” asked Arrgh while enjoying a peaceful walk in the new Darnassus.
“Yes, I guess so. If I start to think about it, the places actually never end, just have to pick very small ones. It’s keeping track of them what’s going to be the real pain in the as." replied Bateman. “The long walks that we’ll have systematically take to not let the loci fade away!”
“Well, can I do anything else to help?”
“Yes! Start living your own life, get away now! I mean, you’ve never liked memorizing cards not a single bit! Why on earth are you here anyway?”
“To level up?”
"We’ll, look at me! Level XXX monk, and only thing I can do is make psycho-porn out of every f**ing thing that comes here.”
Arrgh looked deep into his master’s eyes, that reflected his own stature, and finally saw the truth.
“Yes, I think you’re right.”
He jumped onto his flying goose, and went to discover the rest of the world.
Boris looked down the cliff, wondering where the ■■■■ all the 1040 cards had gone.
“Hey, want to tell stories?” asked Nelson.