Best Jokes, Comedy Videos/Movies and Books

Post here the best jokes, comedy videos/movies/books/etc you know.

1. The world’s funniest joke
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

2. Watson and Holmes go camping
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.”
“Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.”
“Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.”
“Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.”
“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.”
“What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”

A short joke told in Estonia:
3. Virgin grandmother
(maybe it’s not so effective in English)

Some Estonian jokes:
4. Four nuns and Saint Peter
Four nuns go to heaven. At the gates St.Peter stops them. He asks from the first nun: “Have you ever sinned during your lifetime?” The nun admits that she once touched a monk’s penis with her fingertip. Peter tolds the nun to stick her finger into the holy pool and then lets her enter the heaven. He asks the same question from the second nun. She admits that she indeed did hold a monk’s cock in her hand. Peter tolds the second nun to wash her hand in the pool, lets her in too and then turns to the third nun. But before Peter could start asking the question from her, the fourth one pushes her away and interrupts with a categoric voice: “I won’t take a drop of that water in my mouth after that nun starts washing her asshole in it!”

5. Hedgehog and Elk
Hedgehog runs moaning around a tree: “Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!”. Elk jumps out of the bush and demands: “What are you ‘Oh yeah’-ing here?”. Hedgehog replies: "Do some cicles around the tree yourself and you’ll understand instantly. Elk runs couple of times around the tree but still doesn’t get it. He says: “I don’t feel any ‘Oh yeah’, what’s the ‘Oh yeah’ anyway?”. “‘Oh yeah’ is when the grass rubs against your balls.”

I’m going to finish here, I don’t want to go too dirty! :smiley:

Here are my favourite Youtube channels that make funny videos:

  • How it should have ended - makes hilarious alternate endings to movies
  • Honest Trailers - funny self-made trailers to movies
  • Darkmatter2525 - an atheist whose videos are really funny and sophiscated at the same time (thanks to him I will never believe in god)
  • CollegeHumor - mostly jokes about college students' sex life
  • CatapultFilms - The funniest Estonian videos (a lot have eng subs too, or you can let youtube translate if it has estonian subs)

Some of my favourite comedy movies:

My favourite hilarious book:

  • Don Quixote (1605, 1615) - A mad Spanish lord and his underling half-witted farmer decide to become a legendary pair of knight and squire and go on a mission of bringing justice to the world with their epic deeds

EDIT TEST (waited 7 min before pressing preview, then pressed preview multiple times in row, Chrome 41.0.2272.101 m).
Result: No security check performed; no problems

Good jokes.

I’ve also watched many of DarkMatter2525’s videos, they illustrate important concepts very well. IE: the concept of presupposition.

Wolf of Wall Street is extreme. His lessons on straight line persuasion are very useful. Tonality, tonality, tonality… It is depraved of course, but when someone gets that big and influences(ruins) so many peoples lives, you should pay attention.

He was also basically a cult master, and you can use his books to study cult mentality. They, “Strattonites”(creating concept of us vs them), did everything together, they lived in the same part of town, they bought similar cars, they wore similar clothes, they hung out only together, they did drugs together, they all stood in a mob in front of Belfort while he spoke to them, he motivated them twice a day with speeches.

I skipped the main idea of this post, and commented on the details, forgive me.

Bateman

I used to be very into comedy and have even performed it as a stand up. Tony who I met for a drink a couple of weeks back (?) does stand up and is performing in Shepherd’s Bush tonight if any of you are in London. I’ll ping him to provide details…

There is a comedians joke known over here as “The Debonaires” but in the States as “The Aristocrats”. It is almost completely improvised and often told in a way to best one another. A film was made of it also called The Aristocrats. Warning, it is sick and filthy - at least when you tell it right.

The Priest, The Rabbi and the Ham Sandwich
A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The Rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”

The Priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

"The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The Priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”

The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the Rabbi says, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”

(Link)

Favorite comedies:

  1. What’s Up Doc. Barbra Streisand and Ryan ONeal, silly, a laugh a minute.
  2. Galaxy Quest. Tim Allen, Sig Weaver, take off on Star Trek.
  3. Any Loonie Tunes movie/cartoon: Bugs Bunny, Wile Coyote, Daffy Duck, etc.
  4. 3rd Rock from the Sun (TV series)
  5. Young Frankenstein (and a close second, Blazing Saddles)
  6. The old Carol Burnett show: great sight-gags
  7. Weird imagery: Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe (books and movies)
  8. Back to the Future series

My favorite joke of all time:
Quasimodo the hunchback needs some time off so he puts an ad in the Paris papers for a temporary hunchback for Notre Dame Cathedral.

The first one shows up the next day. Quasimodo shows him how to push the bell at Notre Dame, and it slowly swings back and forth. Then Quasimodo says, “Stand here, look down at the floor, and let the bell come back and hit you on the top of your head and it will ring out through the city.” The candidate stands, bent over, and waits, waits, while the bell slowly swings back. He loses patience, looks up just as the bell arrives and smacks him in the face. It makes a quiet thud. It knocks him out of the tower window and he falls to the street below.

A crowd gathers. “Who is it? Who is it?” “His face doesn’t ring a bell.”

The next morning, the identical twin of the unfortunate first candidate shows up! Quasimodo goes through the same routine. The bell swings, the candidate looks up at the last second, there is a thudding sound. He falls to the ground.

The same crowd gathers. “Who is it? Who is it?” “Man, he’s a dead ringer for the other one!”

Double punch line!

Doc Jim

6. Chuck Norris facts

My favourite fact:
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.

My own made:

RELIGION

Somewhere around 6 BC Chuck Norris masturbated himself to sleep thinking of Virgin Mary. 9 months later, Jesus was born.

Real life Chuck Norris believes in God. Why? Because it’s always good to have a little faith in yourself.

If God exists, then why hasn’t he shown himself by breaking the laws of physics? Because he isn’t brave enough to break the property of Chuck Norris.

Hell is the place where Chuck Norris punishes the Devil.

God was roundhouse kicked out of Garden of Eden, because he let his pet snake shit on Chuck’s apple tree.

Why do men and women both have lush pubic hair, but not beards? Because when Chuck created man in his own image, he accidently switched the two.

Islam only allows geometric depictions of Muhammad. It’s because Muhammad was kicked ROUND by Chuck Norris for worshipping other god than him.

When you look an abstract image from far enough, you can see that it is actually Death digging a grave for himself, with Chuck Norris standing aside.

The Theory of Relativity + Big Bang Theory = Incest theory. Real life proof: Chuck Norris BANGing his RELATIVE God = weak mankind.

SCIENCE

Solar System is just Chuck Norris playing golf with planets on a bowl-shaped field.

The events of Chuck Norris coughing, farting and blowing his nose are now known as The Bombing of Hiroshima, Kepler’s Supernova and The Big Bang.

c = 300,000 km/s is the speed of Chuck moving faster than light.

Theory of relativity: 1) length, time and mass are relative 2) the speed of Chuck’s foot closing in remains contant to every observer

Chuck Norris is actually paralized. But that doesn’t stop him moving - he has scared the space around him to move instead.

IMPOSSIBLE is sth that ordinary person can’t do, but Chuck can.
MIRACLE is when Chuck does the IMPOSSIBLE.
PARADOX: Chuck fails to do the IMPOSSIBLE.

IQ

To describe Chuck Norris’s IQ, complex numbers were invented.

Chuck Norris was born genius with an IQ of 200. Sadly, at the age of two he got Alzheimer’s disease. By now his IQ has reduced to 400.

Chuck Norris was born with Down syndrome. But since then his IQ has been rapidly going up, cause no disease is brave enough to let Chuck Norris DOWN.

MOVIES & CELEBS

Ordinary people watch horror movies. Demons, ghosts and zombies watch documentaries about Chuck Norris.

Nor is Chuck aware that there is a movie about Jack&Norrington, otherwise 1) Jack wouldn’t be funny 2) Norrington would’ve ended piracy in 2 seconds.

Professor X used Cerebro to find mutants. He only found Chuck Norris. Now professor calls Cerebro Wheels instead.

Despite all the paralyzing memories, Stephen Hawking sent a bucket to Chuck Norris to do the Ice Bucket Challenge. Now Stephen lives in that bucket.

One night Chuck Norris watched “The Ring” video. Seven days of pure horror followed, culminating with frightening death-stare kill… R.I.P. Samara.

After meeting Chuck Norris, Tywin Lannister really shits gold…actually he shits his own gold teeth.

a) Mystique can transform her sex, but Chuck’s kick into groin/chest can form victim’s transsex.
b) Mystique can transform her sex, but Chuck’s kick into groin/chest leaves victim transsexual.
c) Mystique can transform her sex, but Chuck’s kick into groin/chest leaves victim transsexformer.

In the final round House managed to roundhouse kick Chuck Norris. Take a gLIMPse at his leg now…

Every comedy that Chuck Norris plays in ends up a tragedy…This fact has Chuck in it and YOU think it is COMICAL…You know what happens now…

  • Click here to read facts about Chuck's memory.
  • Sherlock Holmes observed Chuck Norris observing him. Later in hell he deduced what had happened shortly afterwards.

    When Chuck Norris makes music, tears start to cry. From pain.

    Chuck Norris did some drugs; now the drugs would kill to get some more of him.

    CN poison is indeed one of the worst. It is said that just looking at it can kill.

    ’Bad ass’ is a weak term for what happens to you when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks your ass.

    Valhalla is a paradise where viking warriors who died in battle go. Some of them were foolish enough to challenge Chuck Norris. The events that followed are now known as Ragnarök.

    When Chuck Norris has sex, he doesn’t use protection - STDs are afraid to catch CTDs (Chuck transferred disease).
    Actually Chuck doesn’t have sex, cause he doesn’t need pleasure.

    Chuck Norris has sex with orgasms.

    When STDs have sex with Chuck Norris, they use protection. Like that would save them.

    In chess there is only one thing worse than checkmate. It’s called chuckmate.
    Chuck Norris doesn’t checkmate his opponents, he utterly chuckmates them.

    Walking Dead ended with Chuck killing all the walkers. Why it took 12 seasons is because he likes to eat them raw and alive.

    Philosophers are still debating which one was before: Chuck Norris or roundhouse kick.

    One of the unsolved mysteries of the universe is how Chuck Norris works. Mathematicians stopped solving him long time ago, and now they have a website listing his facts that they shortly call ’axioms’.

    In programming languages there is a secret command known as ’chucknorris’. It’s kind of debug&repair solution to shitty code. It works by Chuck coming by and slapping you until you get the code right.

    “To pee or not to pee?” thought Hamlet before going to meet Chuck Norris. He peed. And when he saw Chuck, he shit his pants.

    Dementor kissed Chuck Norris. Too bad he has no soul.

    Chuck Norris is the biggest coward there is, because he is even afraid of himself.
    Mirrors avoid Chuck Norris, because they have phobia of Chuck’s autophobia.

    Reading Chuck Norris facts is no fun. Or else…

    In 1929, for 6 months there were rumours spreading that Chuck Norris was dead. Majority bet he was, few warned he wasn’t. Why the confusion lasted so long was because no one dared to check his house. On October 29th they finally claimed him dead. What happened next is known as Great Depression.

    I actually “enjoyed” hahaha writing all these facts. Chuck didn’t make me, I swear.